The Holidays.. Not always Happy ones for many ….

Happy Holidays? But are they really for our Autistic and Neurodivergent (ND) Community?  No matter the neurotype, the so-called “festive season” definitely brings anxiety and stress of all forms. This is even more profound considering all we have been through in this pandemic that currently seems to have no end in sight.  These genuinely are unprecedented times.

However, for many Autistic and ND children, young people and adults, the sensory onslaught of the “festive season” is truly excruciating. Every where you go, it’s there. There really is no escaping it all. Even if you hide away from the constant lights, music, and singing that seems to invade every high street and shopping centre earlier every year, There is still the workplace and your children’s school if you are a parent. Even your place of worship, if religious, holds no escape. That isn’t even getting into family “obligations” put upon you and your children.

Being a parent of two, now adult ND children, youngest officially diagnosed Autistic, I have to admit the holiday season was stressful for years until I decided that things had to change. I still remember someone from the school informing me that my youngest’s “behaviour” was increasing once in December and how awful I felt as it was apparent there was so little understanding by them. Unfortunately, some forget or do not seem to consider the impact of the festive season on a young autistic child.

Without context, explaining what is taking place, how is the very young autistic child to understand when one day the entire classroom has changed and is decorated? But they notice the “behaviour” increasing. When deciding to decorate the classroom, are they thinking of their autistic students? Did they leave a space for the autistic child to go to and feel at least a bit safe? A place not changed or covered in decorations?  Imagine walking into a classroom, something possibly already immensely challenging to see this stuff everywhere suddenly? Is it really any wonder the “behaviour” increases?  All it would really take is some prior preparation, planning and time explaining the changes and why. Yet sadly, that’s not an experience many autistic children have.

Then we have the assemblies. The plays, places of worship visits, singing presentations for parents, etc. etc. etc. the continual changes, expectations and demands. It can all get too much. But hey, it’s the child’s increase in “behaviour” that apparently matters the most. However, the reason why the “behaviour” has increased is beyond comprehension? This is where Reasonable Adjustments really applies. The autistic child who really cannot deal sensory wise with the children singing for whatever play or assembly it is needs those adults to apply reasonable adjustments. Why not consider ear defenders or let the child go to a quiet classroom?

My youngest struggled badly with assemblies or plays the class performed. They had no desire to be on stage in any way, and the very thought of it resulted in extreme anxiety. Reasonable Adjustments.  Thankfully the Teaching Assistant and my child’s teacher was very understanding, and my youngest became a part of the backstage team. A team that mainly previously were only the adults in the school. My youngest thrived doing it, and having the students as the backstage crew became a regular part of every assembly, play, or presentation from that year onward.

Another area of stress for autistic and ND people is the effects of the expectations and demands on us, the adults, in this festive season. It can be so challenging not to end up feeling completely wiped out by it all—the expectations of getting and giving presents, which personally I really never understood the sociality of.  Office gifts, Secret Santa, the whole thing boggled my brain. My neurotypical friends probably think I’m awful and forgetful when it comes to gift-giving. I’m not; I have too many experiences getting it wrong. So now I purchase for my family and maybe a couple of friends only.

The parties. Festive get-togethers, office parties, Christmas dinners, friends and family gatherings can seem never-ending, albeit before the pandemic, but I have no doubt it will resume. But, again, many Autistic people will struggle as they are all neurotypically (NT) designed and attended. The social interaction, lights, decorations, foods and drinks can be a full-on sensory hell for many autistic people regardless of their age.

So what can we do actually to control the impact the holiday season has on us? Quite a lot, actually.

So let’s start with schools and the staff who work in them.

• Understanding the Autistic experience is vital. Understanding the individual child and the impact on them, sensory wise and otherwise, is so important.
• Explain and prepare. Explain when changes are happening, giving the context as to why also. Understand also why the child may not be enthusiastic about it either.
• Provide a space, a place to get away from the noise, decorations – sensory onslaught.
• Keep a low arousal approach, especially when you see anxiety rising in the ND children you are working with. Nothing is that urgent.
• Keep demands low. If it is causing stress, does it really matter if the child isn’t mixing the cookie dough right this minute as planned?
• Reasonable Adjustments- if the class singing is causing sensory pain, why can’t ear defenders be used if the child wants to stay with the others? Please don’t assume they do not or cannot take part in the assembly.

Of course, we Autistic and ND parents also must take some time for ourselves too.

• Self Care is vital. It would be best to look after yourself, something I didn’t learn for years. But if you are low on spoons ( see spoon theory here), it’s a lot harder to care for others.
• Choose what events to attend. If you are invited as a family to every event going, why not choose just one or two occasions to attend? This becomes much more important if your ND children are also invited, and the event is NT dominated. It can become much harder for your ND children and you to handle the experiences. So, pick the events you really want to or are absolutely obligated to attend.
• Try having an area of the home festive free or only decorated with accepted festive things. for example, my kids did enjoy having white lights only strung up in their rooms.  No other festive decorations were acceptable in their rooms. so that was easy and convenient.
• Keep demands low to none. Considering all the festivities, lights, foods, etc., the ND child is experiencing at this time at school alone, to think they will need time and space to decompress is a given. Whenever you can have a completely no demand day. Go for it. It is the holidays, after all. Pyjama days are fabulous.
• Lastly, please do remember as a family, and I say this with respect from a personal and professional experience, you can say no. No, I am very sorry, but we cannot attend, we have already done so much this week.  ASK! You can always ask those who have invited you if they can provide a space for you or and your children to retreat for a bit when the festivities become too much. It is incredible how understanding and supportive people can be, and if they are not, then maybe it was best not to attend.

The festive holiday period can be challenging, stressful and draining, but it can also be precisely how you want them to be while looking after yourself and your loved ones. With understanding, preparation and choosing what you want to attend – suggest a zoom meet even if it is easier- with a low arousal low demand approach can make all the difference to the amount of stress and anxiety you and your family face.

I wish you all a relaxed stress-free holiday.